By: Auntie Pan Pan

Greetings fans and freaks! Auntie Pan Pan here! I have arrived to bring some shiny darkness in your bleak little paths to foretell and see the future…or at least try…you Scorpios always amaze me…especially what you can do with whipped cream and a chainsaw…BUT I DIGRESS! Behold your astrological forecast for the next few weeks! Enjoy and run amok in the night!!!

Leo
You are at that point of the year where your HAIR means everything! Never cut your hair to break up with a lover…it never works. The only way a breakup works is to throw their crap out the window of a thirteen floor duplex into the community pool. It always works for me. EGO EGO EGO this is your life. You are very protective of your friends, especially all your little gothling chicklettes that follow you in your wake of fabulousness.

Virgo
You need to soooo cut back on the Bailey’s Irish Cream ( one of your fave drinkie poos) and stop writing that bad poetry in the corner about that waif in the dancer’s cage. Either barf or get away from the toilet! You pine WAY too much for unrequited love. You lurk in coffee houses and sigh heavily in the dark smoke of clove cigarettes and angst! Get over it.

Libra
OH my. It’s time little gothic wonder, to put the dark chocolate down and start working on that overly corseted belly of yours. Goth Libras are either over fluffy or a stick. There is never a middle ground for a Libra…I don’t care if you are the sign of the scales. It’s a lie. You need to start doing the gothic exercize plan. Dance and forget to eat. And stop day dreaming in your head…the only way you are going to be a rock star is actually getting up on the stage, dork.

Scorpio
My little sex slut kitten you!!! I love you. Why? Because you are the most perverse sign in the zodiac. You are the one that will do things with bungee cords that no one ever even considered!!! You are the one that wore shower curtains at the night clubs before it became popular. You are the one that will jump in that pool for jello wrestling FIRST. You are so much fun on the kink o meter…too bad no one can pull the wool over your eyes and you can get paranoid. Yes. Yes…they are out to get you…moving on!

Sagittarius
SOOOOOO, you are going on vacation. Again? Didn’t you just get back from China last week? Do you even own a home or a trailer or a storage bin??? You LIVE in your steamer trunk. You are never happy unless you are traveling or can order room service. I see much travel in your future. Always. Thank the gods that cell phones are easier to purchase now a days. The only way anyone can keep track of you is by going from club to club, they are bound to end up finding you eventually. You have a horrible tendency to walking around in graveyards in the middle of the night and rescuing friends that get caught doing something stupid.

Capricorn
You have a horrible passion of head butting people. I don’t know why. You also have a few bats in your belfry, too. Take the bat out of your mouth and start cleaning up that damn belfry!!! You are not the center of the universe…so stop expecting everyone around you to treat you like the grand high priest/ess of dweeb Wicca mountain. ONE SILVER RAVENWOLF DOES NOT A HIGH PRIEST/ESS MAKE!!! Someone will knock you down a peg or two on the bleak ladder of drama. Even if you try to head butt them.

Aquarius
Okay. You know you need to cut back on the smoking. Why? Oh I dunno. Death postponement maybe? You are my little techno gadget geek of love. If it beeps, you own it or want it. You are waiting for SOMETHING special. Patience is never been one of your virtues…give it a year. Just hold on. And please watch out and reconsider the hair extension thing…PLEASE…you are too accident prone for extensions. Go for wigs and lower height shoes.

Pisces
Okay, we ALL know you have a shoe , stocking, foot fetish…we know already! But when was the last time you actually went in and got a pedicure??? Riiiight. You haven’t gone in at least a year. Time for a little trip to go and indulge yourself, at least a little bit. Especially those damn high heels and boots you wear for hours at a time and then you wonder why your legs are killing you?!?!??!?! And maybe it might be good to get some rest, too. All hours of the day and night going out and working in the socializing field is all fun and good and you actually do get a lot of work done in the night life…BUT…you do need to sleep eventually. Knock out a few hours in your best friends hearse on a group picnic in the graveyard…sleep in the haunted house a little while when everyone else is ghost hunting. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE “ON” ALL OF THE TIME. Relax.

Aries
You are not as kinky as a Scorpio, but you are the runner up. The kinkiest thing Aries do includes plastic wrap and thorny roses. You are wicked. You love mink o nine tails and have at least twenty pairs of shoes that frighten people. And I am not going to even begin to talk about your piercing!!! One magnet in the proper location and you get turned on for hours! But seriously, I sense much indulging and jealousy and drinking in your future. Is that any different than any other day???

Taurus
Speaking of over indulging. You over indulge in everything! Smoking, snorting, drinking, drinking, drinking. Throwing up , drinking…see a pattern there? Whatever you do, please have enough cab fare to get home. And use condoms. And always remember the name of who you are sleeping with that you bring home? Sometimes it takes a crowbar to get you out of the house…but when you do leave? Watch out! You are like the George Harrison of the undead. You usually stay really quiet until the opportune moment, then your throw out a extra zing to the occasion.

Gemini
Location is your forte. You don’t care what you do as long as you do it somewhere fabulous! Not much in your dark rain cloud of the world. Everything is fine. Until you listen to the voices. Your inner slut. The inner part of you that has the massive urge to do someone….er something completely INSANE! Taking a trip to France and purchasing fifty bottles of absinthe and smuggling them in Listerine bottles. Yep. That’s YOU. Er…don’t get caught.

Cancer
I really want to know what the heck lives under your bed because it is really beginning to frighten me. You live under your bed during the day, don’t you? Have you painted your windows black yet? Can you still find the front door? If you could work from home and order pizza to your house on a 24 a day basis? You would never leave the house? If you live in L.A., I am sure you have already used PINK DOT at least once (Pink Dot, by the way is a 24 hr delivery service that will bring you practically anything.) Anyway…Go outside…even if it IS sunny! Go take a walk and enjoy nature…good luck.

Disclaimer: these are to be considered a joke. Please do not take them seriously. Never listen to what I say. I don’t even listen to me.

AuntiePanPan, A.K.A. T.J. “Pan” Teer has been in the nightlife since 1987 (showing my age maybe?) In her vast spare time (that is a joke) she is an astrologer, comedian, tarot card reader, costumer, performance artist, knitter, wool spinner, spindle maker and mother of one dog, “Spike”. Currently she is trading in her Illinois Victorian home for a California two bedroom apartment because I admit it…I am too lazy to clean.